The Talk
by SirIntegrity
Summary: Someone had to tell Integra... and with Walter backing out, it was left to Alucard to explain to his master what was going on with her body. However,finding out that Alucard lied to her about certain things doesn't bode well with Integra.Awkwardness ensue


**Ten Years Earlier**

Alucard lay sprawled across a chair, feet propped up on a nearby table, "Wuthering Heights" in hand. It still amazed him how far society had fallen from its intellectual high. Now instead of contemplating moral versus immoral, the meaning of life and why they were here, they were sitting in front of a television set watching a talking sponge or some grotesque sex scene or people getting drunk or high. Humans were so strange, he thought, taking a sip from the glass of blood in his hand.

"I'm going out for a bit. I leave Miss Integra in your care; I'm quite sure she'll be needing you tonight," Walter announced, putting on his coat.

Alucard sighed. She couldn't tell him to go kill someone when he was bored. No, she had to wait until he was relaxing to ask him to go run about England. He looked at Walter, grinning.

"Going for a night on the town?" He asked. Walter snorted.

"You haven't seemed to notice I have gray hair, have you?"

"Women are very forgiving about age, Angel of Death," he reminded him. Walter shook his head.

"No, just some errands, I'm afraid. Though I'm sure your sordid mind believes otherwise."

"Have fun, Walter. Don't get too drunk; we don't want another Incident of March 17."

"We don't speak of that night, Alucard," he said firmly, walking out the door. Alucard shrugged and went back to his reading.

A half-hour later, he heard Integra down the hall.

"Walter! Walter!" She hollered, sounding frantic. She glanced into the library, meeting Alucard's curious gaze, "Have you seen Walter?"

"He went out for the night," Alucard sniffed, "You're bleeding, master."

"Yes, and it's getting worse. I don't know what to do; I told Walter about it but he just ran out of the room, saying he'd get the supplies."

"Where are you bleeding from?" Integra hesitated, and then murmured something, "What?"

"I don't know; it's either coming from my pee-pee or my butt hole," Alucard's eyes widened. Well, that was surprisingly blunt.

Wait, Walter wouldn't leave her if that was the case. Supplies, general private area... Alucard smashed his glass, causing Integra to jump. That bastard! He had left him to explain to their master the process of puberty!

"What's going on, Alucard?" Integra demanded, sensing that he knew why she was bleeding.

Alucard cleared his throat, staring at his lap.

"Well, master, as you can tell you're going through a time of change. You're starting to smell and Walter just helped you pick out your first bra."

"He told you!" Integra yelled, folding her hands protectively over her chest. Alucard nodded.

"This is just another one of those things you have to deal with when you are a female. You are now going to bleed once a month every month until you're Walter's age. And you're going to blame everything on that event, from your foul moods to why you aren't going somewhere. None of the men in the house will understand this and will avoid you until they feel it's safe."

"Why? Why am I going to bleed every month?" Integra panicked. Alucard took in a deep breath. He never thought he'd have to give this talk. Ever. To anyone. Especially his master. 

"You're going to bleed because...a woman's body is, well, when you have a baby, no... Why you are bleeding is because your body makes a lining."

"Of blood?"

"And other materials, yes, but all you see is the blood and the occasional clot. Or so I'm told. Anyway, the lining is to protect the baby..."

"I'm pregnant!"

"If you'd let me finish... No, you are not pregnant. Which is why you are loosing your lining through another hole you don't seem to know about, where your baby will come out when you have one," Integra cocked her head.

"How does a baby get into a woman?" Alucard unceremoniously lost his balance and fell out of his chair.

"Are you all right?" Integra asked politely.

"No," Alucard muttered under his breath. There was nothing all right about him giving Integra the birds and the bees talk. Damn it, why hadn't Arthur gotten around to it?

He looked at Integra. Her baby blue eyes stared at him innocently. She had lost a great deal of that innocence to her father and uncle's deaths. She would have to grow up eventually, but maybe, maybe he didn't have to tell her quite yet.

"Alucard, tell me where babies come from," Integra said sternly. She had learned that if she was firm enough with Alucard, he would eventually give in to her desires one way or another. Alucard hated that she knew that fact.

Alucard stood up.

"I'm going to go find a book," he grumbled. 

He glanced through the library, but found no suitable book on the subject. And then, sitting on the windowsill as though begging him to grab it, was a book he was sure had some G-rated version of intimacy. He took it and went back to his expectant master.

**Present Day**

Integra groaned.

"It's not that bad," Seras insisted.

"Why did I agree to watch this ridiculously romantic, 3-hour long movie I've never even heard of?"

"You said so yourself you wanted to get to know me better. Well, I like romance movies," Sir Integra could tell. Seras's eyes had not left the screen since it had started.

It suddenly cut to a scene. Sir Integra grimaced.

"What the hell are they doing?" She muttered.

"They're in love, Sir Integra. Just because she's poor and he's rich doesn't mean they can't act on it."

"But why are they wrestling naked under a blanket?"

"Because they want to have a child. I mean, they did just elope and she did say she wanted a family."

"What does wrestling naked have to do with having children?" Seras looked at Sir Integra.

"They're having sex, Sir Integra," Sir Integra looked blankly at Seras.

"And sex is...?" Seras burst out laughing.

"Oh, that's a good one! Never heard about sex...very funny, very funny," But Sir Integra's face was dead serious. Seras furrowed her eyebrows, "You're not serious, are you?"

"Yes, I'm serious," she snapped, uncomfortable with the way Seras was staring at her, like she was a complete idiot. Of course she had heard about sex, but she had never cared to ask what it meant.

Seras took a deep breath.

"Integra, where do you think babies come from?" She asked.

&&&

"Master!" Alucard sighed, setting down "Of Mice and Men", "Master!"

"In here, police girl," he grunted. Every time, every time he attempted to relax, someone interrupted him. Yet when he was bored, it was like he didn't exist.

"Master, why did you tell Sir Integra that!" Seras was in a mood.

"What have I told Sir Integra?" 

"That God decides when a woman should have a child, and then a child starts growing inside of her," Seras shook her head, "What were you thinking, Master!"

"I was thinking she was too young. Mary conceiving Jesus through the Holy Spirit was the first passage I flipped to. Why are you bringing this up?"

"Because Sir Integra wants you in her office. Now," Alucard sighed, and followed her up to Integra's office.

She glared daggers at him from behind her desk.

"I trusted you, Alucard, and I trusted your story. It was even backed up by the birth of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. How dare you use His story for your lies!"

"I don't want you getting some crazy idea that you are obligated to produce a heir for the Hellsing lineage and therefore go and have sex with some strange man!"

"What is sex, Alucard!"

"Go look it up on the internet like every other sheltered, home-schooled girl!"

"No! You give me the sex talk right here and now!" 

"Okay, okay. You want to know about sex, well here you go!" Seras ran like a horde of ghouls were chasing after her. 

Walter walked up the stairs to Sir Integra's office. It sounded like Alucard and her had had quite a fight. They had even sent Miss Victoria running out of the room. Things were quieter now, and he sensed that Sir Integra would need some support.

What he found was Sir Integra, a lighted cigar in one hand, the other raking at her hair. Her eyes were squeezed shut and she looked like she was in agony. Alucard was sitting in a corner, staring blankly at a tile on the wall, chin rested on his knees.

"What have you done to Sir Integra?" He demanded. Alucard glared at him.

"What you should have done a decade ago, you coward, instead of leaving me to do it!"

"What are you talking about?"

"The talk, Walter, the...sex...talk," Sir Integra forced the words out. She shivered, "Now kindly leave my office before I ask anymore stupid questions."


End file.
